It’s All About the Deere

(originally posted on swampyankeewannabes in February of 2005)

I’m a speed demon, I admit it. I’ve been pulled over so many times I don’t even make any excuses anymore, just hand the license and the registration over and wait for the inevitable. I’ve definitely learned my lesson.

I got a radar detector.

Now I’ve got other problems, mostly pertaining to the fact that the radar detector stays on while the car is off and slowly drains its lifeblood away. While we were gone the monster sucked my car dry and I didn’t even have my digital clock — yesterday morning, at least, I could stare at its fading display and know just how late I was going to be for work.

My brain doesn’t work so well in the morning. Since Lionel had already left for work that meant I had no other vehicle to jump start the car with. I really hate calling AAA for a stupid battery, but I couldn’t think of any neighbors that would be around (and awake) at 8am. On the other hand, it’s hard to jump a car if you don’t have another one. So:

“I know!” I said to myself. “I can roll-start it!”

“How are you going to do that, dumbass? You’re in the garage.”

“Okay, well, I’ll push the car out, until I get it to just where the driveway starts to go down. Then I’ll jump in, roll-start it, and be on my way.”

So, I got out of the car and started pushing. It’s a light car but I’m a light person, so I got it about half-way out of the garage when I came to the conclusion that this was stupid. Naturally, my mind drifted to the next inane idea.

“The tractor! I can pull the car out of the garage with the tractor!”

So I get the tractor out of her hiding place, and I attach a chain to my car, and I begin to tow my car out of the garage. I realize, at last, that if I do succeed in getting the car out onto the incline as I’d planned, there wouldn’t be much stopping the car except the tractor in front of it. It seems I’d reached an impasse.

Until it finally dawned on me that the vehicle I was sitting on had a perfectly good battery.

Now I could claim that I pulled the car out of the garage because naturally I had the intention of jump starting my car with my tractor all the while, especially since the tractor doesn’t fit in the garage. But then I’d be lying. In fact, it took me half an hour to remember I had a tractor, let alone that it had a battery. So call me stupid. But hey, fess up. How many of you would have just called AAA? What kind of story is that?


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